A Canadian naturalist and seal export reports that the baby harp is a vicious little animal that despises human beings, lies, cheats, carries a gun and has bad breath. The annual Newfoundland harp seal slaughter is under way, but this year no one should feel bad about it. Let loose the party animal within you, okay? Go completely nuts! Now, get out of here, you crazy Komeiniac! Get outta here! Jane? I gotta say: Ayatollah, if you wanna go, if you wanna get loony – I know you, you’re a nut – if you wanna go, you know, go festive. Then he tried Bella Abzug, as a last resort. Then he tried a sort of round-and-out neo-Super Fly kind of look.this did not work. Then he thought he’d really get down and funky.he went for the whole Jake & Elwood routine – The Blues Brothers – didn’t work at all. He went for the Davy Crockett theme.that did not work. So, a few days ago, Komeini, unannounced to others, slipped out of the country, and headed straight to Paris, where he went on a madcap hat-buying spree.Īt first, the Ayatollah drove the salesmen crazy, because he couldn’t decide which hat would say, “Hey, I’m a fun guy, just like you.” He tried on lots of wonderful hats, and lots of fun characters. President Bonnie Sidar of Iran has suggested to the depressed Ayatollah that he might fell better if he went out and bought himself a new hat. The Ayatollah Komeini, who has recently taken a lot of razzing is down in the dumps, and he’s complaining that the whole hostage thing is making him look bad. It’s a face that’s so severe, it could stop clocks, make babies cry, and scare dogs off the back of a meat truck. Ford said, “I believe that this country is in very grave danger, both at home and abroad, and I have decided that I am simply too stupid and inept to deal with the problems we face.”īill Murray: Well, it’s Day 132 of the hostages’ captivity in Iran, and we at “Weekend Update” are getting real sick of having to look at this face. Our top story tonight: It’s official! Gerald Ford will not be a candidate for President this year.Announcing his decision at a press conference today, Mr. Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin. Posted by J.L.Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurrayĪnnouncer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. I want to forget about the whole fucking thing, but I care too much for those left behind to not make a stand, for their sakes. I don't want to leave bitterly, but I don't want to stay where I am, either. Have we become the "old school" that must be weeded out in order to accomplish the greater goal? Has the passing of the one who taught us given the one left behind the go-ahead to exterminate the few of us who remain here? Is what we preach so dangerous that our spiritual health is of no concern to the powers that be? Are they trying to piss us off so much that we choose to leave, in order to avoid the blame for our absence? And how long should I fight back? Each time I defend my thoughts and ideas, my credibility gets slaughtered by those that make the decisions. How fucking ridiculous! Young leadership, terrible communication, inconsistencies, prejudices, the fucked up notion that because you have been officially recognized as a "leader", you have been given the supernatural ability to judge the hearts of men? My God, where has grace gone? Have we become the Pharisees, posturing before one another instead of coming together under God's leadership, knowing that it is the spirit that grows his church, not its people? Have we become a cult, kissing "his holiness'" ass, afraid that any failure would reflect so poorly upon ourselves that we must avoid even the appearance of failure at all costs? And, oh, how failure might slow us down in our quest for "spiritual maturity"! Only growth, only victory can appear upon our resume in the official file that follows our every step and records our every action of obedience as well as rebellion in this system that so passionately used to fight against "the system".
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